Oh god this morning I woke up to an image of you behind my eyelids and I just sprang awake. I’ve stopped seeing you in my waking hours but when it’s a different story in a different realm. And today I just cannot seem to erase your image from the back of my eyelids; it’s like you never left. Or it’s like I never left. But why talk about the technicalities of who left first when it’s been so long? I dream of the both of you being happy on the sands and maybe that’s how time and future is supposed to be. Even if we didn’t have that period of uncertainty and were happy together, you probably might have left me. Or I would have killed myself. Or I would have ran away 10 months on. Or 12. Or you would have ran after me or her or gone away together. The thing is, even if we could rewind time and fix the faulty wires to make sure the future maps the way we want, I’m not sure if we would do it. If we could erase the seeds of doubt and discontentment and restlessness, I’m not sure if you would do it.
今天沒有声音，没有阳光 也没有风声．
望着窗外，有时候真的想偷偷地见你一面．
但当我们真正地没料到地碰面，我却没心里准备．
Ryan Adam’s Love is Hell album is perfect for this sort of nights where you need to slow down and to just love the outside. I know I’ve been putting off listening to that album because you think that he butchered your favourite song; but he’s great, really. And because love is indeed hell, this is yours and mine for us to set aflame.
There’s a cover by Ryan Adams that reminds me of you and of being locked up in the car on rainy days with nowhere to go. Then I remember why I remember: it’s because it’s a cover of your favourite song that you hate very much. Then I remember why we’re not together and it all makes sense. But later, Don Henley plays and I get confused and wonder why we’re apart because really, we were kind of perfect.
We were perfect because we never fought and we were never jealous. Then we fought and then got jealous over other people that didn’t matter. We were perfect because we understood what it was to be together and apart. Then we were together and apart and together and then apart too many times till the equation didn’t make sense.
Every night I dream of you in the best light, every night I dream of us.
Just then a phone rang and suddenly I didn’t know if I ever want to wake up or never be asleep.
(via writeoneleaf)
Sometimes when memories of fleeting loss worm through the head and heart and when the eyes finally register heartache to be the appropriate emotion, a footprint on the chest appears. Just in time. And when all the rehearsals in my head could never prepare me for yesterday’s real performance, that’s when it is finished.
I haven’t been writing here because all I’ve been doing is reading academia and writing out academic essays. You would think that after writing 8000 words, another 2000 for a separate essay would be easy but it is as difficult as wringing blood out of stone or turning water into wine.
But after next Friday I think I will miss reading and writing academia. It’s like a long-time boyfriend that I have to break up with because time just doesn’t allow. After a period of time, it’s not love but comfort that I miss. Separation does not bring pain, but instead longing. Time aside, I still love you after all.
I remember you used to make up stupid songs, help me remove my nail polish, chase me out of the kitchen, play with my fingers, let me wash your hair in your sink, wax my legs cos it seemed fun, play board games, babble on about science-fiction, give me the tomatoes on your plate, laugh at my stupidity, yell at dragonflies, shout at me for shouting at you, scratch my back, listen to me lament about school, talk about kittens, tell me stories, help me tie my tie because I pretended to be hopeless at it, cook my favourite noodles, zip up my dress, kiss all my scars, pat my head and catch all my tears. 就是因为别人这样对我, 我才会仍然起你.
This morning I dreamt of you and we were happy together. But I am sorry for myself. Sorry that my subconscious still think it right that you should appear in front of me, sorry that it was the past. It makes me angry, to be honest, that even when I actively try not to see you in real life, I still lose.
