Today the sun shone straight in my face as I was crossing the road and for a moment, I couldn’t see. It’s these unseemly moments which make no sense individually that confuse me; but when put together with the equations of fate, love, and memory, it all fits together. Makes sense. Funny how longing and nostalgia drops in like an ex-boyfriend on a hot Sunday afternoon by a busy road. Amidst the rays and squinting, you’ll realize it’s nothingness after all.
It was just so easy to fall into each other’s arms and into each other’s mouths and maybe into love again. I was not sorry for all the anger that flowed into you because I could finally feel yours. Perhaps in stranger ways that we did not expect, we were really perfect. And because maybe you deserve it. You deserve all of it. You made it so easy so fall back in to the darker pits of love in hell.
There is never a lonely day in paradise.
Baby, your hair grew out much longer than expected, and your eyes twinkle even more cheekily so. The nights have been windier than usual and you… You made the mistake of turning back to scream and laugh a hurried goodbye to me as you ran for the bus; because your long hair carelessly wrapped around your face and then moved back to whipping in the wind. Did you mean what you were doing, or did you not realise? Could you even see an end through that mess of hair? Or was it a faint beginning that you reluctantly try to trace out?
The hair grew out because I was waiting for him to come back to tug it. And then for it to whip around while I rode with the wind. For a while when I turned back to scream goodnight, I saw you between the strands of my hair that stuck to my face. And then I ran harder.
The place where all the “I love yous” stealthily hide actually exists at the back of parched lips, right where words deign to escape; hard pressed against pursed lips and rushing to run out at the inappropriate times, all I can do is to slowly let them out in a soft sigh.
Two mornings ago, I dreamt of you again. Vulnerable and stripped; and it almost seemed like we were younger and more reckless again as you came in being your old self. Except that in there, just like reality, my hair was at its longest and I think it was my present self with the past you that tried to merge into one again. I was just literally dreaming of an impossible future with two different timed beings. Inside, I held on to you tightly even in shame and my face burned up as I woke up. When will visual images that stack up to a crumbling future last? How long will it be before you completely vanish from my dream state?
突然之间，雨就开始泼．在着时刻，我真的想把你忘掉．可是我恐怕要忘掉的不是你而是那＇我们＇的概念．其实我也不怎么记得你的脸，也可能不记得我们所做过的事．但每当我想起我开心的期间，你总是出现．
之前还以为那红红的天会藏着所有的泪水．原来是在等适合的时间．
今天沒有声音，没有阳光 也没有风声．
望着窗外，有时候真的想偷偷地见你一面．
但当我们真正地没料到地碰面，我却没心里准备．
Three in the morning and I am still awake, working hard at digesting and silently throwing away the remnants of my guilt down the chute. But that’s another story for another place.
And while bringing out the trash, the typical short walk turned into one too long and too unfamiliarly familiar. Maybe it was the wind and the sudden chill in the air. Maybe just there and then, time and space conflated and condensed into the turn around the corner, the open space between the doors to the dormitory buildings and the blustering winds of autumn in South Korea. Who knows how time and space works? Who knows how these ephemeral feelings work?
Only because when I opened my doors, something flew into my eye. And there I stood, one hand clutching on to trash, and the other between my glasses and eye. It so happens the winds feel right, and the air feels tight and we’re back to the past. It’s a memory that gets less and less clear by the day; one that really has no images, but still worth keeping.
So is it a past that has already solidified into my time-line, or is it a past that is slowly disintegrating?
